Easily I’d say my biggest challenge in recovery is the ability to leave weight out of the picture. For me, I can relate just about anything back to weight and I do it too. Constantly. And it’s a detriment. It doesn’t let me truly give myself up to recovery as it needs to be because I’m always worried how it’ll affect the bottom line – my weight.
My weight had always been a number one concern. As a kid I wasn’t the thinnest but I also wasn’t fat. In my mind though and in my memory I remember myself being so much fatter than I see in pictures. It wasn’t until junior high school and high school that I started to become actually conscious of my weight. I had started to gain weight from the secret binge eating I was engaging in and I wanted to not get fatter. But since I couldn’t stop the binge eating I couldn’t stop the weight gain either. And I was stuck. It wasn’t until high school that I started purposely manipulating my body and weight in the goal of being smaller.
And so it felt like if I could just lose the weight I could erase the pain. And the trauma. And everything I had gone through.
Then later on would come the dreams of unzipping my body from a fat suit. Or physically cutting the fat off of my body. Graphic thoughts about losing weight. I became obsessed with Nip/Tuck for years. Raptured by the liposuction surgeries and the way they would mold new bodies for women. I wanted to be remodeled.
For years after high school and throughout college I worked on “fixing” my weight. Dieting and starving myself. I kept binge eating throughout. I gained a lot of weight. And so it felt like if I could just lose the weight I could erase the pain. And the trauma. And everything I had gone through.
So the hardest part of recovery for me is putting all of that aside. Acknowledging that it’s there and that it happened but also knowing that it can’t affect my recovery. I still need to commit to it and eat and take care of my body.